Here are your responses to the angry rhetoric over today’s Supreme Court decision. No need to pick just one!
(1) “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
Actually, it’s Adam and Lilith. Lilith left Adam because he was abusive and God punished her for caring about her own well-being. Eve was Adam’s second mate. And they were also never married, meaning that they lived their lives in sin and the entire human race is just a bunch of bastards.
(2) “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
Actually, it’s the RNF213 and ARHGAPIIB genes.
(3) Citing any Biblical verse
Corinthians states that “faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” The Bible itself states that love is greater than faith. Today’s decision may fly in the face of your faith, but the Bible agrees that this is exactly as it should be.
(4) “I am going to leave this country.”
Great! Uganda is very anti-homosexual and I hear their human rights violations are lovely this time of year.
(5) “What’s next? We’ll be able to marry our dogs?”
No, because dogs are neither citizens nor able to sign legally binding contracts. I refer you to Webster’s Dictionary and the definition of “human.”
(6) “What will I tell my children?”
I don’t know. What do you tell them about any marriage? For that matter, what do you tell them about mass shootings or abject poverty? “Get your priorities straight,” that’s what you should tell them.
(7) “The purpose of marriage is to have children.”
Well, shit. I guess we should nullify all the marriages between people who are incapable of having children. Or choose not to. Or are too old to. Or marry for money. Or marry for a green card. Or marry for publicity. Or…
(8) “The sanctity of marriage…”
Stop right there. If you don’t also try to have divorce made illegal and protest sites like AshleyMadison, then you are not allowed to continue that sentence.
(9) “How horrible of a life will their children have?”
You realize that this is the same argument that was made to prevent blacks and whites from marrying, right? In fact, most of the arguments against marriage equality were made in the sixties to keep interracial marriage illegal. Contemplate this on the Tree of Woe.
(10) “By this logic, my open carry permit should be honored in all fifty states then, too.”
Actually, it… No. You know what? You’re absolutely right. I highly urge you to walk around in a state that does not have open carry with your pistol on your hip. I’ll even chip in for the airfare.
Brad C. Hodson is an author and screenwriter living in Los Angeles.
Today’s Halloween post comes courtesy of the Horror Writers Association. Head on over to their Halloween Haunts and check out my recommendations for horror films that may have flown under the radar – but that you should be watching this month.
While there, stick around and read a few other posts. Halloween Haunts is HWA’s annual celebration of all things Halloween with a new post (sometimes two) daily throughout the month of October. It’s a definite bookmark for the Autumn People.
When the leaves change color and the wind cools, we find ourselves imagining what could be lurking in the shadows, what could be waiting in closets and under beds and inside dank, dark spaces. It’s a time that, whether through tradition or the influence of pop culture, begins to conjure images of ghosts.
And, if you’re going to talk about ghosts, you have to talk about M.R. James.
Montague Rhodes James was a British antiquarian and medieval scholar who taught at Eton and King’s College. While still respected among academics for his work, it’s his ghost stories that horror fans should be interested in. While James has remained popular in the UK since his first collection, Ghost Stories of an Antiquary, was published in 1904, somehow his name has become unknown even with diehard horror fans in the States. To call this a shame would be like calling a walking corpse “odd.”
His unique fiction was a major inspiration for horror icons like HP Lovecraft, Stephen King, and Ramsey Campbell, and was of a style that could only be labeled “weird.” His ghost stories were products of the age in which he lived, an age that rushed toward the future yet struggled to gaze into the past. As such, most of his protagonists were scholars who had gone in search of research materials or had discovered an ancient relic, any of which could bring about an unwanted visitation.
The ghosts he created are not floating around in bed sheets, rattling chains and moaning for peace. James envisioned the dead as horrid, incomprehensible beings that could barely be processed by the human mind, let alone described. They come in all sorts of twisted, diseased shapes, their forms driving their witnesses to the edge of madness.
And that’s just the ones that can be seen. James made brilliant use of the senses in his stories, his hauntings sometimes manifesting as rustling fabric and scratching across floorboards. If a character was unlucky enough to actually touch one of these things… well, those passages are better read in James than here.
One of my favorite weird ghost stories is “The Haunted Doll’s House.” In it, an antique dealer purchases an old doll house that comes to life every night and reenacts a series of horrific events that seem to have happened in the house it was modeled on. The following passage is but one of the eerie and unsettling things the antique dealer witnesses:
The door was opening again. The seer does not like to dwell upon what he saw entering the room: he says it might be described as a frog – the size of a man – but it had scanty white hair about its head. It was busy about the truckle-beds, but not for long. The sound of cries – faint, as if coming out of a vast distance – but, even so, infinitely appalling, reached the ear.
James’s stories were filled with mystery and he never felt the need to provide all the answers. The facts of the other side are unknown and all the more frightening for it. Take, for instance, the story “The Mezzotint.” In it, a man comes into the possession of a picture of his home, a picture that changes slowly over time. While that basic idea has been recycled a hundred times since James, it has never been as frightening as the original, partly because of the mystery.
The picture lay face upwards on the table where the last man who looked at it had put it, and it caught his eye as he turned the lamp down. What he saw made him very nearly drop the candle on the floor, and he declares now that if he had been left in the dark at that moment he would have had a fit. But, as that did not happen he was able to put down the light on the table and take a good look at the picture. It was indubitable – rankly impossible, no doubt, but absolutely certain. In the middle of the lawn in front of the unknown house there was a figure where no figure had been at five o’clock that afternoon. It was crawling on all-fours towards the house, and it was muffled in a strange black garment with a white cross on the back.
What this thing is, or why it’s crawling on all fours or has a cross on its back, is never fully explained. Its explanation is not the point and not knowing what it is takes nothing away from the story. Instead, it adds to the dread and lingers in the back of your mind, waiting for nightfall so that it can creep out into your dreams.
Then there are the horrifying things that reside in “The Ash Tree:”
There is very little light about the bedstead, but there is a strange movement there; it seems as if Sir Richard were moving his head rapidly to and fro with only the slightest possible sound. And now you would guess, so deceptive is the half-darkness, that he had several heads, round and brownish, which move back and forward, even as low as his chest. It is a horrible illusion. Is it nothing more? There! something drops off the bed with a soft plump, like a kitten, and is out of the window in a flash; another – four – and after that there is quiet again.
And let’s not forget the face of the blind abomination in “Oh, Whistle and I’ll Come to You, My Lad:”
Parkins, who very much dislikes being questioned about it, did once describe something of it in my hearing, and I gathered that what he chiefly remembers about it is a horrible, an intensely horrible, face of crumbled linen. What expression he read upon it he could not or would not tell, but that the fear of it went nigh to maddening him is certain.
Here’s a clip from the 1968 BBC adaptation:
That clip probably comes the closest to capturing the strange and horrifying otherworldness of James’s dead. It’s easy to see how he was one of H.P. Lovecraft’s primary influences. Lovecraft’s horrors adopted the sheer maddening quality that James had infused into his ghosts.
Originally written to be read aloud on Christmas Eve (a traditional night for telling ghost stories), James’s short fiction has a conversational tone and an attention to detail that makes the reader feel the story actually happened, that the character relating the events was real. It’s this feel, along with the nightmarish and incomprehensible quality inherent to the dead, that leaves his fiction as frightening today as it was at the beginning of the twentieth century. James was the unparalleled master of the ghost story and, though many writers have tried, none have surpassed him.
Brad C. Hodson is the award winning writer of two dozen short stories, a feature film, and the horror novel DARLING. For more information on his work, check out hisBibliography.
That magical time of year is here once again. The skies are a little grayer, the air a little chillier. Multicolored leaves dance their way down the street in the embrace of a cool wind. Candles flicker from inside the hollow eyes of a pumpkin and ghosts cavort across our television screens.
And, perhaps, across our bedrooms at night.
For us Autumn People, the weeks leading up to Halloween are some of our favorite of the year. It’s our time to sip a pumpkin latte while reading a good (and, let us not forget, dark) book. Or to eat apple cinnamon cake while watching a marathon of creepy cinema on cable or Netflix. Or taking a walk in the crisp early evening (an evening that has crept and crawled into a time that was daylight mere weeks ago) and once again enjoy the night. Whatever your traditions, however fun or macabre your rituals, if you’re reading this chances are you feel the same.
And so, as I prepare for own holiday traditions (which include daily Halloween related posts on this here site), I thought I’d offer a few twilight words to help the Autumn People as they march this wondrous October.
A fascinating (and terrifying) documentary on sleep paralysis and how it has given rise to some frightening legends.
Most of you are probably already aware of Stephen King’s followup to his best selling novel THE SHINING. I’d recommend the audio book as the narrator (actor Will Patton) really brings a lot to the material.
GHOSTS OF THE UNDERGROUND
No matter your personal belief on ghosts, this documentary that takes a look at all of the mysterious ghost stories surrounding the London Underground is a must-see.
Em Garner’s debut YA horror novel packs a definite punch, one that’s both visceral and emotional. Check it out.
The Horror Writers Association’s annual “Halloween Haunts” returns with a new Halloween related post every day (and sometimes more than one each day).
Halloween expert Lisa Morton has made a career out of debunking Halloween myths, but in her new novel those myths try to debunk her.
AMNESIA: A MACHINE FOR PIGS
The followup to the award winning video game, “A Machine for Pigs” has more than just a creepy name. Turn down the lights and turn up the volume on this one. Then change your pants.
That’s all I have time for now, keep checking back for more. In the mean time, what are some of YOUR Halloween recommendations?
Brad C. Hodson is the award winning writer of two dozen short stories, a feature film, and the horror novel DARLING. For more information on his work, check out his Bibliography.
I love Christmas. I love the lights and the Christmas trees and even the shopping. I love bundling up against the cold weather and how everyone seems a little cheerier, just a little lighter and happier, even with the stress of the holidays. And I especially love Christmas music.
But there’s a dark underbelly to Christmas music, a twisted, sadistic aspect that takes great glee in the fact that are you forced to listen to whatever horrors can be released under the guise of holiday cheer. Whether it’s at the office or the bank or stuck in line at Macy’s to argue about this stupid 15% off coupon you got that doesn’t seem to apply to anything other than a shitty Donald Trump plaid tie, we’re often trapped listening to Christmas music. If it’s Bing Crosby or Ella Fitzgerald or the Rat Pack, that’s great. Even Mariah Carey can get in on the act.
But then there are those other Christmas songs, those nails-on-a-chalkboard ditties that serve as a giant lump of coal in the stocking that is our ears. Here, then, are the Top 5 Most Annoying Christmas Songs.
5. DOMINIC THE DONKEY by Lou Monte
You say you’ve never heard of Dominic the Donkey? Then you have remained on the Nice list and Santa loves you.
I had never heard of this auditory equivalent of a wet bowel movement either. That all changed this Christmas. “Dominic the Donkey” is the kind of Christmas song that makes you question your decision to have children. I’d wager Gary Busey plays it on loop during the holidays and dances and claps his hands while his family tries to pretend that they’re not shitting their pants.
Don’t believe me? Judge for yourself.
4. GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER by Elmo & Patsy
This song is so universally despised that it seems like a cliche to include it on this list but, like cigarettes on a “Top 5 Causes of Cancer” list, it must be mentioned (incidentally, this song also appears on that cancer list).
Mildly amusing the first time you hear it, the novelty is already gone on a second listen. The only people who continue to enjoy this song are people who suffer from severe brain damage or are clinically deaf. This song is one of the reasons the Taliban gives for hating us.
3. CHRISTMAS CANON by Trans-Siberian Orchestra
I love “Canon in D.” It’s an elegant, masterfully realized piece of music. We used it in our wedding, as many couples do. It’s beautiful and romantic and hard to improve upon.
Which is why “Christmas Canon” annoys the piss out of me.
“Christmas Canon” is like some drunk guard at the Louvre painted a Santa hat on the Mona Lisa and called it “Christmas Lisa.” First off, it’s not a damned Christmas song. Secondly, by trying to shoehorn it into one, you end up sounding like a car full of children making up lyrics on a long road trip. It’s nonsensical and repetitive and makes you want to pull the car over at the nearest McDonald’s Playland so you can get drunk in the bathroom.
And why in Hell are the kids wearing karate uniforms?
2. SANTA BABY by Madonna
Madonna ruins any song she covers. Madonna covering a song is the equivalent of God abandoning the songwriter. Virgil even warned Dante that her “American Pie” cover was blasted from eighteen foot speakers throughout the final circle of Hell. Why would her “Santa Baby” be any less horrifying?
Eartha Kitt’s version was sexy, sultry, and fun. Madonna, however, tries to adopt some kind of Betty Boop voice and ends up making your ears bleed the blood of innocent orphan children with every syllable she screeches out. I would rather be forced to urinate glass shards than listen to this song more than once.
1. THE CHRISTMAS SHOES by Newsong
The existence of this song has ruined my faith in humanity. The first time I heard it was also the first time I keenly felt the absence of God. All I could do was suck sharp breaths and mutter “Nietzsche was right.”
The plot of the song (because songs have plots now) is that the singer is in line at the store when a little boy runs up and starts counting pennies for shoes. Why? Well, as the chorus says:
“Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there’s not much time
You see, she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus, tonight.”
Okay. First off, if I’m on my deathbed on Christmas Eve, I’d like my children to spend some time with me before I take the 10:15 skyward. Don’t rush out and buy me a pair of shoes that I will only be buried in. I know you think you’re being a good son, kid, but your mother is at home right now clutching one of your teddy bears close and wishing that she knew where you were.
And where in the Hell is the father during all of this? Is he at home with Mom and doesn’t know where his kids are while their mother is DYING? Is he at the store as well, in which case what a dick? Is he drunk at the local bar? No longer in the picture?
We don’t know. But what we do know is that this song isn’t about the kid or the dying Mom. It’s about how the singer is patting himself on the back for buying the shoes for the kid.
“So I layed the money down
I just had to help him out
And I’ll never forget
The look on his face
When he said Mamma’s gonna look so great.”
That wouldn’t be so bad. It’d be a great act of kindness, actually. Except he follow it up with:
“I knew I caught a glimpse of heavens love as he thanked me and ran out.
I know that God had sent that little boy to remind me
What Christmas is all about.”
Okay, Captain Narcissist. Let me follow this train of thought.
1. God exists.
2. God sends us signs.
3. God gave this little boy’s mother cancer and then sent the little boy out away from her WHILE SHE’S DYING all so that you would be reminded of the meaning of Christmas.
All I can take from this is that the meaning of Christmas is that God is fickle and cruel and plagues mankind with suffering all so that a chosen few can pat themselves on the back for shelling out a couple of twenties at Pay Less.
This song is saccharine and emotionally manipulative on a level that even the cruelest politico can only dream of achieving. It is the single worst and most annoying Christmas song.
It also spawned a Hallmark movie with Rob Lowe:
What about you? What do you think of the above? Got any Christmas songs that you think I missed?
Brad C. Hodson is an author and screenwriter living in Los Angeles. His new novel DARLING is currently available.
The incomparable Lisa Morton recently invited me to be a part of a round robin interview series.
While I figure out which writers to send this on to, here are my answers.
1) What is the working title of your next book?
The Mud Angel.
2) Where did the idea come from for the book?
From reading about the flood of the River Arno in 1966. The city of Florence was submerged in mud and freezing water and all of her priceless art and history were in danger of vanishing forever. The world owed Florence a huge debt and sent their best and brightest to save our history. The Italians called them angeli del fango – Mud Angels – because they waded fearlessly into the mud and esured that the genius of our past remained for future generations.
3) What genre does your book fall under?
4) What actors would you choose to play the part of your characters in a movie rendition?
Ryan Gosling, Allison Brie, and Raoul Bova.
When Henry Dandridge goes in search of his missing wife, he’s drawn into a world of intrigue and centuries old feuds in the mud packed streets of a flooded Florence.
6) Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?
Hopefully the latter…
7) How long did it take you to write the first draft of the manuscript?
Oddly enough, I wrote the first draft of a story about Florence while in India for three weeks. The first draft was a novella that’s being expanded.
8) What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?
The Constant Gardner.
9) Who or what inspired you to write this book?
10) What else about the book might pique the reader’s interest?
A murder mystery, family feuds that date back to the Renaissance, art history, a lost work of Dante’s, and necromancy. How’s that? 🙂
Brad C. Hodson is a writer living in Los Angeles. Check out his novel DARLING here.