Here are your responses to the angry rhetoric over today’s Supreme Court decision. No need to pick just one!
(1) “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
Actually, it’s Adam and Lilith. Lilith left Adam because he was abusive and God punished her for caring about her own well-being. Eve was Adam’s second mate. And they were also never married, meaning that they lived their lives in sin and the entire human race is just a bunch of bastards.
(2) “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
Actually, it’s the RNF213 and ARHGAPIIB genes.
(3) Citing any Biblical verse
Corinthians states that “faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” The Bible itself states that love is greater than faith. Today’s decision may fly in the face of your faith, but the Bible agrees that this is exactly as it should be.
(4) “I am going to leave this country.”
Great! Uganda is very anti-homosexual and I hear their human rights violations are lovely this time of year.
(5) “What’s next? We’ll be able to marry our dogs?”
No, because dogs are neither citizens nor able to sign legally binding contracts. I refer you to Webster’s Dictionary and the definition of “human.”
(6) “What will I tell my children?”
I don’t know. What do you tell them about any marriage? For that matter, what do you tell them about mass shootings or abject poverty? “Get your priorities straight,” that’s what you should tell them.
(7) “The purpose of marriage is to have children.”
Well, shit. I guess we should nullify all the marriages between people who are incapable of having children. Or choose not to. Or are too old to. Or marry for money. Or marry for a green card. Or marry for publicity. Or…
(8) “The sanctity of marriage…”
Stop right there. If you don’t also try to have divorce made illegal and protest sites like AshleyMadison, then you are not allowed to continue that sentence.
(9) “How horrible of a life will their children have?”
You realize that this is the same argument that was made to prevent blacks and whites from marrying, right? In fact, most of the arguments against marriage equality were made in the sixties to keep interracial marriage illegal. Contemplate this on the Tree of Woe.
(10) “By this logic, my open carry permit should be honored in all fifty states then, too.”
Actually, it… No. You know what? You’re absolutely right. I highly urge you to walk around in a state that does not have open carry with your pistol on your hip. I’ll even chip in for the airfare.
Brad C. Hodson is an author and screenwriter living in Los Angeles.