The nation gathered around their television sets last night for the first debate in the 2012 Presidential Election. While the suspected topics of health care, the economy, and Cthulhu took up a large portion of the debate between President Barrack Obama and his challenger, Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, the surprise topic was PBS.
As part of his strategy to reduce the budget, Romney said: “I’m sorry, Jim. I’m going to the stop the subsidy to PBS. I’m going to stop other things. I like PBS. I love Big Bird. I actually like you, too. But I’m not going to keep on spending money on things to borrow money from China to pay for it.”
Big Bird immediately responded to the statement via Twitter. “Mitt – U no wut I wud luv? Kikin the shit outta u.”
The tweet exploded across the internet, some in support of it, many more coming down on the large avian for what they felt was crude and a direct threat to a Presidential Candidate.
Bird Bird went on live television this morning to address the issue. Speaking with “Today” show host Matt Lauer, the normally docile and friendly bird flew off the handle.
“Who the [censored] does he think he is? I’m [censored] Big Bird. You got that, Mittens? I’ll stick this size 18 foot straight up your [censored] ass.”
Wearing a pair of sunglasses and sipping from a dark bottle containing what he simply called “Bird Juice,” Big Bird broke into a fit of laughter. “I’m sick of this. You know that? Everyday, I have to put up with whiny brats, diva guest stars, and [censored] Oscar the Grouch. Have you ever smelled that thing’s breath? It’s like he went down on a dead squid.”
Later in the interview, he interrupted Lauer during a question regarding what letter comes after “M” to go on a tirade. “In ancient cultures, I was worshiped as a god. Indians called me a [censored] “thunderbird.” I have Charlie Sheen blood in my veins, man. I’m a rock and roll warlock with an eight ball of coke for a heart. My feathers will grant you fertility.”
When Lauer tried to calm Big Bird, the Sesame Street performer told him to “shut the [censored] up and listen to the Bird. Okay? Jesus [censored] Christ!” He then stood, threw his chair at a cameraman, and stormed off set.
PBS immediately released a statement stating that Big Bird has been “struggling with substance abuse and will be entering a rehabilitation program today.”
Brad C. Hodson is a writer living in LaLa Land. His novel DARLING will be released on October 26th from Bad Moon Books (http://www.badmoonbooks.com). To see more of his work, check out his Bibliography. You can also follow him on Twitter@BradCHodson.