Top Issues for Presidential Election Are Economy, Cthulhu

A new study shows that the top issues discussed by both Republican and Democratic Presidential candidates are the economy and the possible rising of Cthulhu.

Dr. Herbert West, a Professor at Miskatonic University in Massachusetts, has spent the last four months compiling data from every speech, interview, and press statement made by both the Obama and Romney camps. “What I found,” West said, “is that, beyond gay marriage, abortion, or any other hot button topic, the economy and Cthulhu have consistently been addressed more than any other issue.”

President Barack Obama speaking at the Democratic National Convention

For most voters, the study shouldn’t be surprising. While there has been considerable media time devoted to other topics, the party platforms for both candidates emphasize the two major issues.

President Obama, speaking at the Democratic National Convention last night, drove home again and again that the two issues are deeply related.

“Job growth is on the rise,” the President said to the cheers of a packed crowd. “Health care is now available for everyone, regardless of pre-existing conditions. The private sector is bouncing back from Wall Street’s mismanagement. And the nightmare corpse-city of R’lyeh is still buried at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Things are on the upswing but Americans have to keep fighting.”

“If Cthulhu were disturbed, it would mean disaster for both the American job market and the economy at large,” the President added.

Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney and Republican vice presidential nominee, Rep. Paul Ryan,

The remark was seen by many as a rebuttal to Republican candidate Mitt Romney’s plan as laid out at the Republican National Convention in Tampa. Romney’s plan emphasized the current Administration’s roll in the recession and calls for a preemptive military strike against R’lyeh.

Republican Vice-Presidential candidate Rep. Paul Ryan, speaking to reporters from a campaign stop in Kansas City, said of the President’s speech:

“If the economy is doing so well, Mr. President, why are more and more Americans finding themselves out of work? We need to do something, something strong and something fast, to make certain we don’t tip beyond the point of no-return. The President is obviously living in a fantasy world, a world in which layoffs aren’t occurring at a frightening rate and Cthulhu will continue sleeping for thousands of years.”

Not everyone is convinced with either party’s platform or their commitment to economic growth. Occupy Wall Street protesters have demonstrated at both the RNC and DNC, claiming that corporations too deeply influence either party to illicit real change and that Nyarlathotep is of far greater concern than Cthulhu.

Artist rendering of the Great Old One Cthulhu astride the corpse city of R’lyeh

Neither candidate’s camp commented upon what threat, if any, Nyarlathotep poses.

“The issues haven’t changed much since the 2000 election,” Professor West said. “Yet the divide between the parties has grown ever wider. At least Bush and Gore could find some middle ground, both with job growth and the fact that something had to be done about [evil wizard] Voldemort.”

“It makes me long for the past,” West went on to say. “For a purer time, a simpler time. It makes me wish I could travel back in time or reanimate the dead.”

According to Dr. West’s research, most Americans feel the same.

Brad C. Hodson is a writer living in Los Angeles. His new novel, DARLING, is available from Bad Moon Books. Check out the Bibliography page to see where you can read his short fiction or watch some films he’s written.

3 Comments on “Top Issues for Presidential Election Are Economy, Cthulhu

  1. Pingback: Big Bird Responds to Presidential Debate « Brad C. Hodson

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