The Clone Wars

I’m Getting Really Tired of My Clone

In the beginning it was rather nice. We were into all of the same books, the same movies, liked the same restaurants. We’d take turns going to work or cleaning the house. And he was always brutally honest about what that shirt looked like on me.

But then things changed.

It started with little pranks. He’d get into arguments with my friends- nothing big, mind you. But just enough to sew the seeds of confusion. Then there was that project at the office, the one where he stood up in the middle of the room and took his pants off? Yeah, that was my clone. Then, to add injury to insult, he started sleeping with my wife.

And I think he’s better in bed than me.

(Would that be considered cheating on her part? Hmmmm. Have to post that question to the Dr. Phil blog later.)

This was all very irritating and… well, I’ll just say it. It kind of made me regret ever being cloned. I know, that sounds horrible, but I’m just being honest. It’s how I feel and my therapist says that I should be super honest about what my inside voice is sad about. But, being the bigger man (literally, as my clone is an inch shorter- some problem with the machine- though they did knock $100 off of the price and gave me a coupon) I decided to just bite my tongue and see if it would pass. After all, without my clone I wouldn’t have anyone to play Frisbee Golf with AND I’d have to go back to using a mirror. Yuck.

Well, today was the proverbial straw that proverbially broke the proverbial camel’s back. I come home, and my wife meets me at the door. She has all of my bags packed and tells me “Brad has decided he doesn’t want his clone living here anymore.” I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say. This hunk of my cells has convinced everyone that I AM THE CLONE. What the hell? I mean, how tacky can you get? Talk about a knife in the back. Yeesh.

So in the meantime I’m sleeping on my friend Charlie’s sofa. Charlie’s a good guy, and he’s secretly a member of the Anti-Clone Revolutionary Army, so that’s a plus. But I miss my cats.

I’m going tomorrow to see about getting a full refund. Or at least an exchange. Maybe a female version of me? Would that be masturbation or incest? I’m not sure.

The moral of this is that you should really, really think about a clone before you get one. They’re a much bigger commitment than I ever imagined and it doesn’t always work out the way that you think it will.

I guess it could be worse...

 

Brad C. Hodson is a writer living in Los Angeles. His stories have appeared in anthologies alongside Neil Gaiman, Chuck Palahniuk, George RR Martin, and many more of his literary heroes. For a listing of his literary and film work, please check out his Bibliography at https://brad-hodson.com/bibliography/  

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